Thursday, February 10, 2011

Thursday, February 10, 2011, originally uploaded by jhnsn728.

I promised last week that I would let you know what I am doing differently to “get this ship sailing” again.  Well, so far, the most important piece has been recommitting to it. This means no more mindless choices in the dining room, for one. I got out my copy of YOU: On A Diet and reread the chapters on metabolism and fat-burning. One thing I love about that book is that they remind you that beating yourself up is not helpful! At the gym, I’ve been increasing my cardio times, and ramping up the intensity of weight training and core work. I’ll be working with a personal trainer again for a while, rather than taking the group classes. I’m feeling more confident and less hopeless – affirmative self-talk is key to getting and staying in the right emotional space.

 

Winter Night

“…That’s how little I understand winter, how it can bewitch its inhabitants (for it is more like a country than a season, a thing to which one belongs), so they cannot say and don’t know whether they love the winter or hate it.”

— Patricia Hampl, from “A Romantic Education”

Do not ask me tonight whether I love it or hate it. Tonight, Winter may be a country or a hostile season — whichever, it has me fully in its frigid grasp and I cannot get warm. So I have been browsing through Winter: A Spiritual Biography of the Season to see what a wide variety of writers have to say about winter, spirit, imagination. I definitely recommend this collection!

As I skimmed through the book, thinking about winter and writers, the idea of cold never far from the surface of my thoughts, I was reminded of a poem by William Stafford, which I think is worth sharing (thought it is NOT included in the book).

Ask Me

Some time when the river is ice ask me

mistakes I have made. Ask me whether

what I have done is my life. Others

have come in their slow way into

my thought, and some have tried to help

or to hurt: ask me what difference

their strongest love or hate has made.

.

I will listen to what you say.

You and I can turn and look

at the silent river and wait. We know

the current is there, hidden; and there

are comings and goings from miles away

that hold the stillness exactly before us.

What the river says, that is what I say.

Book Club

Sunday afternoon, the book club I belong to met at my house to discuss Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger. All but one of our members had read it before, some of us a long time ago. It was an interesting discussion, considering it is the quintessential book about teen male angst being dissected by a group of women ranging in age from 27 to 49. Let’s just say, here, that the actual discussion of the book lasted a very short time, in spite of the fact we were all in agreement that we were glad to have had it as a selection.

For me, personally, Holden Caulfield is a decent enough character. However, the place he holds in my imagination is small compared to the spots reserved for members of the Glass family (characters in Salinger’s short stories and novellas, including Raise High the Roofbeam, Carpenters, Seymour: An Introduction and Franny and Zooey). The voices of Seymour and Buddy Glass echo in my head frequently, as they have since I first read those books in my junior year of college, 1982.

But I digress. What I set out to share is the story of our book club. We began last spring, invited by my friend Molly. Our first book, Little Bee by Chris Cleave, set the tone of our club. The only thing our selections have had in common is that most of us would never have read them on our own. From the political to the personal to science fiction and fantasy, these books have pushed us to reach a little further. Other selections have included:

The Help – Kathryn Stockett

The Sparrow – Mary Doria Russell

The Road from Coorain – Jill Ker Conway

The Hunger Games – Suzanne Collins

The House at Riverton – Kate Morton

The Blind Assassin – Margaret Atwood

Most selections have proven to appeal to some members of the group, although The Blind Assassin (which I was not able to read, unfortunately) was hands down the least well-received. I thought The House at Riverton a waste of my time, while The Sparrow, which I had read before, is probably one of my favorite books of all time. Other members of the group expressed the exact opposite views. The Hunger Games, and both subsequent books in the trilogy, were devoured by all.

As we read and discuss, we are learning a lot about one another – and not just our tastes in literature. We learn about each other’s political leanings, spiritual beliefs, homes and family lives as they connect with the subjects and characters in each book. I’m not sure we’ve managed to have a single meeting with all club members present, which adds to the variance of each gathering.

Unlike many clubs, our mode of selecting the next book has been haphazard. At first, at the end of each meeting we would each mention suggestions and then vote for one of the titles thrown out. People seemed reluctant to advocate for their suggested titles, and we sometimes took a very long time to decide. The meeting where Catcher in the Rye was picked, we began a new process for selection: everyone wrote suggestions on slips of paper which were placed in a receptacle. The slip drawn was the next book. We kept the slips, and members were invited to add to the collection before we drew again. Sunday, the slip yielded  Super Sad True Love Story by Gary Shteyngart (watch the bizarre book trailer, here). I have, literally, no idea what to expect. However, I hope to share my take on that and future books as well, perhaps, as the book club’s discussion, in future blog entries.

You are, of course, invited to read along with us!

…make hot chocolate

Browsing through a book called, Lean Forward Into Your Life by Mary Anne Radmacher, I came across a story she tells of a minister who was giving a children’s sermon. The minister used the line, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” However, one little boy who didn’t care for lemonade insisted, during the sermon, that the line be changed to “When life hands you lemons, make hot chocolate.”

Radmacher follows the story with this:

“So from the most difficult of circumstances, we can build something of our own choice. Just because a thing is handed to me does not mean it must be grasped by my hand.

This, friends, is a revelation. And it bears thinking about as we run through our overwhelming lives at breakneck speed. We don’t have to accept everything that comes our way, just because it came. And if we do grasp ahold, we still get to shape our response or what we choose to do with it.

Which brings me to my friend, Layne, who has yet another take on the ‘when life hands you lemons’ line. She gave a presentation at a national conference this fall entitled, “When Life Hands You Lemons: Make Souffles, Tarts, and Meringues”. Another great concept: we are allowed to use our creativity. Just because the old saw says to make lemonade doesn’t mean we are required to make only lemonade. Habit, custom, group think be damned!

Choice and creativity. So often I forget that these are in my tool kit when something onerous, unwanted, seemingly unavoidable comes my way in life. I didn’t make a New Year’s Resolution this year. I think I may have just found one! (After all, who says you can only make one in January?!)

Apple-Parsnip Soup

Imagine, if you will, the day after a major blizzard. You have spent just over four hours with your trusty shovel, clearing 13 inches of snow including drifts reaching almost three feet high. The sun sets in a blaze of color, as the temperature is plummeting to an overnight low of -12 degrees.

You go inside, unpeel sweaty layers of clothing, and grasp a cup of hot tea to warm your frozen fingers. Suddenly, you remember it is parsnip week at your house! Warm apple-parsnip soup, made in the midst of the blizzard, is only minutes away from filling your empty stomach with velvety goodness. Bliss!

This soup is so good, I braved the worst of the blizzard on Tuesday night to deliver a container to my friend Layne (she lives about 300 yards away). We agree that a little more heat might improve the soup, but it is wonderful made faithfully to the recipe, too (which can be found on the recipes tab, above). I have one serving left, which I plan to savor after a little snow shoeing later today!

Flash Back Friday

Since I wrote about my grandfathers in my Wednesday post (The Odd and Unusual: My Grandfathers) I thought it would be fun to post a photo of my Grandpa Postel today.  The children, from left to right are: me, Gwen, Chris and Jeff. The photo is dated May, 1967. Chris is dressed in the uniform we both wore during our years at St. Raphael’s Cathedral Grade School. If you look at my attire, you will see that my early fashion sense left plenty of room for growth!

How to Love People: A Misanthropes Guide to Relationships

First off, I used the word misanthrope because it is a great word.  I don’t really qualify as one, but it also serves the purpose of letting you know right off the bat that I’m no relationship expert!  I once read an article in which a woman said, “I love mankind. Individual people annoy the hell out of me.” That’s fairly representational of my feelings, or at least of my natural, introverted inclinations. However, inclinations change. At least mine have, and I’d like to share some things I’ve learned about loving others which (now that I know them) have changed my life. Really. They’ve changed my life.

I am not required to tell others what I really think about them, their choices, their actions. Once, I was with a friend who was telling me that he and his wife were thinking about having a child.  His wife was really pushing for it, but he wasn’t sure. He shared his reasons for being unsure, and I told him they were, essentially, stupid.  He responded, “You know, some friends would just listen and empathize.”  This particular friend, at that particular moment, needed someone to hear what he was feeling, not someone to argue against him.  The trick, and the art of being a good friend, is learning the difference between these times, and those moments when what your friend is looking for is someone to help them face a hard truth.  Parker Palmer suggests (in Let Your Life Speak) that we must “avoid the unconscious violence we do when we try to save each other”, that we must learn to “hold another life without dishonoring its mystery”. In other words, sometimes just being quietly yet fully present to another is enough.

I am not required to tell others everything feel. I used to avoid telling anyone what I felt, and that included myself. In order to open my life to more and healthier relationships, I’ve had to learn to acknowledge my emotions and, yes, to express them. Finding that sweet spot, you know the one where you allow others to know your heart without knocking their feet out from under them like a riptide, is terribly difficult. Frankly, I still suck at it. Sometimes, I don’t share my feelings when or how it is most appropriate (usually because I am arguing with myself about whether I should), then I blurt them out at moments when others are completely unprepared. Sharing honestly without hurting or knocking others down – practicing this skill is key to mastering it!

Being RIGHT is overrated. Let’s face it, we all love being right. We love being in the right. Sometimes, this is important. But not as often as we think, especially in relationships. I’m a middle child, and early in life was known for over-using the phrase, “That’s not fair!” I would go to great lengths to prove I was right. And when I did, it was almost always a hollow victory. It turned out I was either the only one who cared OR my need to be right had taken the spontaneous fun out of the moment. Now, when my entire family gets together, I enjoy staying out of the fray. Let others fight for control, for the decision-making power, or for the sheer delight of fighting to be right. The gift of this approach is that I get to stay in peaceful connectedness with all my loved ones. I just wish I had known this at 18. I would so have avoided that unfortunate kick-fight with my 19-year-old sister one morning before going to college classes together!

I am capable of loving people whom I know to be flawed. One day, I was hanging with a friend whom I just love. I mean, this friend is really special, wonderful, funny, loving, kind, beautiful inside and out. And then, something was said by this person that completely shocked me. It revealed a weakness in my friend’s character. The kind of weakness that, in the past, I might have considered a “fatal flaw”, in that it could have killed our friendship. And that’s when it hit me that I could choose to extend my love and friendship anyway. That I could see someone’s weaknesses and flaws clearly and still love them. That blindness to these traits is not a requirement of love.  In some cases, I am actually learning to love the flaws. No, really! Being in relationships intimate enough that I actually know these things and see them as an endearing part of the whole package is a gift beyond measure. It is a gift I hope to learn to extend to myself, as well.

When in doubt, choose the most loving course of action. This suggestion, while akin to “being right is overrated”, takes the concept a step further. There are often times in relationships when we don’t know the right thing to do. Should I go over there? Or give her space? Say something? Or hold my tongue? Take a stand/give an ultimatum? In my experience, the right path can proceed forward from whichever step I take, as long as that step is taken with a loving heart. Importantly, my action needs to express love for the other, and for myself. And that tends to be the hard part. It is easier to step into the role of martyr (“See how I sacrifice for you?”) or that of the self-righteous (“I don’t deserve/need this!”) than it is to carefully navigate a loving response.  Yes, there may be times that the most loving response is to walk away. But, by and large, the great beauties of relationship develop when we work through these tough issues and come out stronger on the other side.

I don’t think there’s anything new or earth-shaking in this guide. I am an imperfect practitioner of each point. But I’m learning how important each one is to deepening relationship. I also don’t think its any coincidence that each one refers to maintaining a balance between self and other in relationships. I no longer think it is possible to have loving relationships with others if I don’t have one with myself.

One last thought: being a misanthrope (allowing minor things about others to annoy me) was a defense mechanism that kept people at arm’s length. If I could be blunt or dismissive or right, I didn’t have to risk letting people close enough that I could be hurt. Recently, I was talking to my friend Tricia, who is a mental-health counselor. I said, “I cry a lot more often than I used to.” And her response was, “Thinking about the person you used to be, and how your life has changed, would you really want to go back? Isn’t crying, even if it is a little every day, a small price to pay?” And, of course, she’s right.

Thursday, February 3, 2011



Thursday, February 3, 2011, originally uploaded by jhnsn728.

You know how they say the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results?” Or maybe its the definition of “futile”. In either case, I am definitely hoping for different results, so am looking around for ways to shake things up a bit. Stay tuned, I will let you know next week what changes I’m making to get this ship sailing again!

The Odd and Unusual: My Grandfathers

A few years ago my friend Wendy told me that a well-known psychic, host of a nationally syndicated radio show, was planning to be in the area for a week and was taking appointments.  We were both curious to check it out, and set up appointments at the AmericInn in Coralville.  I had no idea what to expect, but the psychic turned out to be not the least bit intimidating. We had just settled in to the appointment when she asked, “Is your grandfather still with us?” I must have looked at her dumbly, because she rephrased her question. “Has your grandfather passed?” I quickly indicated that yes, both of my grandfathers had ‘passed’.

B., the psychic, then said, “Well, one of them is in the room with us right now. I don’t know which one, but he says you love the odd and unusual. That you take after him in this, so maybe that helps you know which one it is.”  Clearly, B. had never met either of my grandfathers this side of the veil, or she would have known that wasn’t much of a clue. My mother claims it must have been my dad’s father who showed up, since he once visited a psychic during his corporeal life. By contrast, her father, she claims, “wouldn’t be caught dead at a séance”.

However, my Grandpa Postel was definitely into the odd and unusual. When my grandmother died, our family moved into their home, and Grandpa moved into an apartment in the basement. He decorated the apartment with items from the Lillian Vernon catalogue: dogs with jewel eyes and bobbing heads, a fake parrot, a psychedelic lamp and various items from the “Surprise Grab-bag” offer. He worked at the Dubuque packing house, stamping meat. His closest work companions were the rabbis hired to certify the kosher meats, and often at the dinner table he shared stories about them. This seemed exotic to me, given that we lived in a town that was more than 90% Catholic at the time. No one else I knew had ever met a Jewish person. Grandpa had a drawer full of treats in his kitchen…if you consider Smith Brother’s cough drops a treat (which he did. Also, grape jelly by the spoonful.) In the summer, he and his friends would sit in the sun on lawn chairs in the neighbor’s yard, drinking beer. I would always hang out with them, the only kid among the old folks, listening to their stories and drinking the warm dregs left in their bottles.

Grandpa Joe was another kettle of fish altogether. He wore a crew cut, had green tattoos all over his arms from his years in the Navy, and tended to swear up a storm. He lived in Texas, then Florida, and his visits always occasioned at least mild panic in our house. He liked good food, and was an excellent cook. He taught my mother, his daughter-in-law, how to bake bread and she taught me – albeit via telephone many years later. Joe was a bourbon and water man (which I tasted at each visit and hated every time). He also handcrafted model steam engines – miniature working versions the craftsmanship of which, at the time, I didn’t comprehend. Now, though, I am in awe of what I remember of his work. He had an international following of collectors. Late in his life, he wrote down some interesting recollections from the Depression, including his time riding the rails and staying in the “jungles” with other men looking for work.

Ed and Joe. You couldn’t find more normal or unassuming names, yet the men who possessed them were out-of-the-ordinary in many ways. They were so unlike one another, that I am lucky no teacher assigned a descriptive essay on “Grandfathers”. Mine would have been full of contradictory adjectives. And yet, I loved them both and like to think that I carry a few of their traits – other than the whole liquor thing (surprisingly, I have become a whiskey drinker…in moderation, of course).

Grandpa Postel, Ed, died when I was in 7th grade, in the early 1970s. It was a sad and difficult time for all of us. I will never forget standing outside my junior high school in Hastings, Minnesota, on that cold, gray day, waiting for my dad. Or, after the funeral, talking with Grandpa’s brother Merle, who started to cry and didn’t even care that saliva was running from his mouth in a stream to the floor.

Flash forward a couple of decades. Friday, October 13 (I never remember which year because it was overshadowed by Friday the 13th). I was sitting at my desk in my current job when the phone rang. It was my parents, calling to tell me that Grandpa Joe had died (in his mid-80s,he put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger). My brother, Jeff, and I drove to Dubuque that evening to be with my folks. The four of us reminisced, and drank a toast – bourbon of course – to the old man.

The week before Grandpa Joe died, I had a dream. I remember I told my friends about the dream, at lunch the next day, because it had been such a powerful one.  In the dream, my family was gathering across a green lawn toward a table laden with food. We were all dressed in white, and the furniture and linens were white also.  The table sat under a massive tree, with sheltering branches that provided cool shade under the hot sun. There were peacocks wandering on the lawn as we took seats at the table, drinking iced tea and lemonade and chatting the way families do. Suddenly, from out of some bushes off to the side, there wandered a bird with striking plumage. Its body was white, but it had a giant tail fan all in shades of reds and oranges. It was beautiful. I asked, “What is that?” And someone answered, “It’s a quetzalcoatl. They’re fire-eating birds.” Suddenly, I felt that something unusual was taking place, and I turned to my dream-mother and asked, “What’s really going on here?” She said, “We’re visiting your grandfathers. Grandpa Postel is this sheltering tree, and Grandpa Joe is the quetzalcoatl. Both of them are here with us.”

The night of Grandpa Joe’s death that dream was with me on the dark drive home. And now, every time I think of either Joe or Ed, the memory of that dream returns to me, still powerful. And I am comforted to know two things: that my grandfathers are watching over us, and that in my love for the odd and unusual I carry them with me, always in my heart.