Author: jenion

Love, Magic and Being Grown Up

Many things about my childhood predisposed me to believe in magic.  The mighty Mississippi, limestone bluffs riddled with old lead mines, our proximity to the library which had an amazing children’s room.  Five siblings with creative imaginations, and parents who encouraged the use of them, also helped.  So I grew up believing in many kinds of magic.  Supernatural magic, such as Santa Claus, elves and pixies, wishing on stars.  Religious magic, like patron saints or my very own guardian angel.  And there was everyday magic: the longing induced by a lone barge whistle, snow falling softly through lamplight, the profusion of lilac blossoms in spring.

For most of my adult life, I’ve tried to hold onto the magic.  The tension between being a grown up (making decisions, earning a living, surviving the hard parts like illness and despair) AND a believer in magic is oftentimes difficult to resolve such that you can successfully be both.  I frequently get it wrong, and discover that I have ventured into territory in which one or the other is lost, to the detriment of my ability to function well.  If I am overbalanced on the side of “magic”, I stray into magical thinking and dreaming and lose the present moment in which to create my life.  If I stand too deep in the land of grown ups, I forget how to be touched by beauty and wonder, how to welcome grace when it enters my life.

Love can be an instructive example of what I mean.  In the grown up world, we learn to love in spite of weaknesses, human foibles, habits that we don’t care for (both in ourselves and in those we love).  Love is about learning where people are in life, then accepting ourselves and others exactly there.  In the world of magic, love is about soul mates who just get us, moments that propel us into a feeling of flow, our perfect selves connecting with another perfect self who dreams with us about all the perfect possibilities out there.  This is true for all kinds of love, not just romantic love.  Too far to the “grown up” side, and we lose the childlike joy that relationship brings; we leave out the “…and all” part of the phrase, leaving us with just the “warts…” part.  Too far on the magic side, and we end up in a lovely castle made of air, which may blow away at the first puff of rough weather.  Love needs both our grown up selves and our magic-believer selves.

Love has taught me a lot this year, both about being a grown up and about believing in magic.  It turns out that the magic of love happens in ways and places we don’t expect.  Sometimes we get one thing when we were hoping for something else.  The grown up in us needs to learn to be content that this is so.   Because every bit of it is miraculous, every incarnation of love is magic.

I was thinking about this at my friend Ryan’s birthday party last weekend.  He was a 19-year-old college student and I was a 36-year-old administrator when we met.  An unlikely pair.  Yet, words cannot express the depth of feeling I have for him — brother, colleague, co-conspirator all wrapped up in one big ball of love.  You will never convince me that is anything but magic!

So, I try to hold that old tension.  Try to be both grown up and believe in magic.  And really, now that I think about it, love in all its forms is the perfect melding of the two.

Taboo No More

Sunday night, my friend Wendy and I went on a whirlwind Christmas shopping expedition.  As we finished two intense hours and were heading home, Wendy asked if I would mind stopping briefly at K-Mart.  She said she gets many stocking stuffers and gag gifts there each year, but often forgets to go there until she’s been everywhere else first. I don’t frequent K-Mart regularly myself, but I didn’t mind stopping.

As we wandered down one of the wide “center” aisles, filled with special gift items, I happened to see a gift box of Tabu — the scent I wore and loved throughout college.  The gift box came with a spray bottle of cologne, a small purse-sized bottle and a tube of scented lotion for the amazing price tag of…wait for it…$9.90.

Me:  I didn’t even know they still made this stuff!  I wore this all the way through college.  I used to love it!

Wendy:  Then you have to buy it, an early Christmas present for yourself!  Come on, you can’t beat the price!

Me:  It probably stinks.  I would guess that what I liked at 19 isn’t the same as what I like thirty years later!

Wendy:  No, you’ll probably still love it!  Come one, you have to get it.

And so I left K-Mart, the proud owner of the Tabu gift set.  And guess what?  I have been wearing it ever since, and…I smell goooood.  I smell like carnations, and spice, and a little powder in addition to young, hopeful, and idealistic.  I thought my tastes had taken me into more sophisticated sensory territory back in graduate school when I discovered Perry Ellis perfume.  But I guess I have always been a Tabu girl masquerading as a designer scent profile!

This has led me to wonder what other “childish” likes or pursuits I’ve given up in the name of maturity but should reconsider now.  As you know, I’ve already gone back to biking as a favorite pastime, and a couple of years ago I discovered that I still enjoy roller skating.  But what else did I decide, prematurely, I was too sophisticated, too sua-vee, too plain OLD for?  Here is a partial list I’d like to check out now, and see how they fare:

  • Strawberry soda pop.  Sickeningly sweet or deliciously decadent?
  • Yarn crafts: macrame, God’s-eyes, crochet squares that somehow never got sewn into an afghan.
  • Cheesy made-for-television Christmas movies.  OK, who am I kidding, I never gave these up!  ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas and FaLaLaLa Lifetime fight for my viewership nightly every December.
  • Driving around the countryside on hot summer nights, windows down, music blaring (will it be the same if the music isn’t playing on an 8-track tape?).
  • “Russian” Tea.  An instant tea and Tang concoction.  Hmmmm…
  • Bonfire, guitars and folk singing on the “beach” (using the term loosely for a sandbar along the Mississippi River).

As is the case for most people, I think, I was in a hurry to grow up — or at least to appear grown up to the rest of the world.  “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me” (1 Corinthians) was a credo I took seriously.  I never wanted people to think of me as childish, so I was quick to monitor my choices for what they communicated about my level of maturity.  This bible verse talks about taking up adult responsibilities and mature thought processes, definitely important for all.  However, as in all things, a balance is called for.   “And he said: ‘I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven’ ” says Matthew 18:3.  The balance between these two good admonitions is what I am seeking in my life now.

When I was in college, there were numerous silly things we did to amuse ourselves.  Last summer, I had a small reunion with several friends, and we resurrected our “snapping turtle” skills (see photo, below).  I can’t tell you (because I’ve never known) how this started or why, but we laughed so hard attempting the snapping turtle faces, 25+ years out of practice, that I realized it is time to stop worrying about appearing childish or foolish – and to start reveling in it!  Sincere enjoyment in the moment is childlike, not childish, and hits that lovely balance I’m seeking.

Now, how about it?  Anyone for a strawberry soda – my treat!

The Myth of “Timing”

I have often been asked, “How did you know that this time would be different?  That you would be able to make changes and they would stick?  It must have been the right time!”  Or, people have told me, “I know I need to (insert a change) but this isn’t a good time for me.”  I’ve been thinking about this, and I’ve decided that I have a strong opinion about this whole topic of looking for the right time.

The only time I have FOR SURE is this moment.  Next month, next year, three years from now when I am “ready”…those are times that may or may not ever arrive.  This moment, right now, is what I have to work with.

I am learning to let the future take care of itself, and to focus my energy on this moment.  That doesn’t mean I’ve given up the idea of planning, setting goals, or having things that I aspire to.  It just means that these goals and aspirations don’t bring themselves into being.   The whole, honest, and hard to grasp truth is that the timing may never be “right” because I decide the time.  If  I wait patiently or passively for conditions to turn favorable, I lose the gift of this moment – and the window of opportunity to create the life I want.

Thinking about this, the past sometimes threatens to emotionally overwhelm me.  It hits me anew just how much of my life has been lost to thinking the future would magically change me or the conditions in which I lived.  When I was unhappy in high school, I told myself I just needed to hang on till college, then things would somehow become the way I wanted them to be.  In college, graduation would take care of it…in my 30s I was waiting to establish a stronger professional persona…in my 40s I was waiting to be more financially secure.  I waited for the “right time” or for “the timing to feel right” for a lot of things I hoped to have and do in my life.  Consequently, all I managed to actually accomplish was…waiting.  Waiting is passive and reactive, not the words I want in my epitaph!

In the past couple of years, I have lost more than 130 pounds.  The day I lost my first pound was a day that I decided to make a healthy choice.  Each pound lost (or, sigh, gained) since has been an aggregation of singular, in-the-moment choices.  My relationships have deepened and grown as well.  I believe this is the result of repeatedly choosing people right now over other options for spending my time.  As the speed of my days accelerates with age, I am consciously aware that the people I love are also only promised this moment.  I don’t want to regret squandered opportunities later.

I don’t remember this every minute of every day.  And I am not always happy, in hindsight, with the choices I make. I can still fall prey to the allure of waiting for the propitious time, especially if what I want/need to do takes me outside my comfort zone.  I want to put off difficult conversations or procrastinate the mundane tasks that lead me in the direction of my dreams (I mean, who wants to keep their resume up-to-date?  But what if just the perfect opportunity comes along and you need to act swiftly to snag it?)   However, there is a direct and very real correlation between the fullness of my life and how well I maintain this orientation to the present.

For me, learning to live consciously in the moment has been a life-altering experience of magnitude.  So to those of you who are contemplating real change in your lives, I offer this perspective — “timing” is a myth.  Make an active choice to live fully right now, and you may find that NOW is the PERFECT time, after all!

Happy Anniversary!

Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of weekly weigh-ins and postings on Jenion.  On Thanksgiving Day, 2009, I stepped on the scale and clicked a pic of my weight to begin the Hunger Challenge (which lasted until Easter and resulted in over $1700 raised for Horizon’s Meals on Wheels).  Interestingly, after a year of Thursday postings, I will not be able to post tomorrow — hence this early Anniversary edition of Jenion!

The worlds of books, movies, and blogs are full of stories of people who set out to change their lives, giving themselves a certain time-frame in which to accomplish this difficult task.  (I just read one titled, “A Year of Making My Own Bread”).  I have become a sucker for such stories, and more importantly, the quests which drive them.  However, when I began this blog and the Hunger Challenge, I wasn’t consciously aware of the desire to change my life.  I was only aware that I wanted and needed to lose weight, and would be more likely to do so if I devised a method of keeping myself accountable.  I was moved by news reports of the increase in Americans living in hunger (or who are food insecure), and put the two together in a way that seemed to make sense to me.  As you know, the result has been a true transformation of my life.

A big part of this transformation has been the result of learning some valuable things about myself, others, the world we live in.  In honor of this one-year anniversary, I’d like to share 12 of these insights, one for each month of my journey (in no particular order):

  • Success doesn’t bring happiness, happiness brings success.  In a world of people striving for success, I want to make the case for happiness as the priority.  Perhaps it seems counterintuitive, but in my experience, the more room I’ve created for joy in my life, the more success I’ve experienced in reaching my goals.
  • Sing, and the world sings with you.  And I am not just talking about the karaoke bar, here.  When you exude high energy, it calls forth high energy in others.  When you are in the “feeling place” of abundance, the world around you experiences abundance, too.
  • If you ask for what you need from others, they will try to give it to you.  After spending most of my life hiding my neediness from others, it comes as a deep revelation that sharing my needs is the only way to allow others to help me meet them.  And as I’ve shared, the amazing people who have come forward and offered of themselves has been humbling, and inspires me to give to others in return.
  • You are exactly as strong as you choose to be.  Now, the caveat here is that I am talking about people who, like myself, are not in the throes of major life issues (personality disorders, chemical imbalances, domestic violence in relationships, etc.).  I have normal life stressors, not extraordinary ones.  I can choose to let these stressors and problem situations overwhelm me, or not.  I’ve discovered that I have always had the strength to change my life — it resides within me.  I just didn’t know that I could choose that strength over the fear that also resides inside me.  It isn’t quite as magic as clicking your heels together and thinking of home, but it is pretty close!
  • It doesn’t matter what the scale says.  I was as worthy and as lovable on days I weighed 352 as I am on days I weigh 225.  I am worthy and lovable, period.  And so are you!
  • The hungry will always be with us, but that doesn’t mean we should turn a blind eye to the ways we participate in ensuring that to be true.
  • Veggie loading.  Single best concept I learned with regard to nutrition and weight loss.
  • Laughter may be the best medicine, but sometimes the other emotions need their time in the light.  It is not only ok to feel anger or sadness, it is necessary to own these emotions as ours.  The more I swallowed my emotions, the more I looked to swallowing food as a way of soothing those emotions.
  • It is never too late to become what you might have been.  George Eliot said this, and I call it “The Late Bloomers Credo”.  I might have been happy, now I am.  I might have been a writer, now I am.  I might have had soul-satisfying friendships, now I do.  Not too late by a long shot.
  • Give of your time, your talent, and your treasure.  My own transformation involved a certain amount of focusing inward.  However, if that was the only thing I did for twelve months I’d be both bored and myopic.  Looking outside yourself, finding ways to give to others, is the best way to gain perspective.  And being of service to individuals or to our community is something we are each called to do.
  • The journey of thousand miles begins with a single step.  And continues with one more.  And then another. (Remember “Santa Claus is Coming To Town”, the claymation Christmas special?  There’s a song from that special which says:  “Just put one foot in front of the other, and soon you’ll be walking out the door…”)
  • Inspiration vs perspiration is a moot point.  Operate with the strength that comes from inspiration when inspiration is available to you!  When it’s not, which is more frequent, perspire.  As a bonus, our hard work and dedication may inspire others, thereby creating a wave of inspired action which can change one life…or change the world.

To those of you who have been following this journey, to the many wonderful people who have been walking with me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the best year of my life.  Happy Anniversary!

Learning to Hear

“The first duty of love, is to listen.”  — Paul Tillich

In September 2002, Heather Whetstone, who had been the first deaf Miss America, had cochlear implant surgery which allowed her to hear again.  When they turned the device on, she had to begin the complicated process of learning to hear, something she hadn’t done since she was a small child.

I remember watching her being interviewed on television the very next day, day two of being a hearing person.  She described little sounds she was able to identify.  She said she was in the bathroom and heard the sounds of putting on makeup and spraying her hair.  Then, she turned the water on.  She said, “And it was the most beautiful sound.  It reminded me of my hero Helen Keller.  She felt the water and understood that it had a name.  My joy was like that.”

I want to remember to find the joy in small things — waking refreshed in the morning, good nutritious food, a body that is healthy and works in all its parts. I want to linger on the goodness in my day instead of focus and obsess on the petty annoyances and frustrations.  I want to practice seeing the beauty in people who cross my path rather than picking out their flaws.

I also want to refresh my skills in the art of listening.  The past couple of weeks a parade of young people needing love and guidance have marched through my office. They have frustrated me, they have fought my efforts to assist them, they have worked hard to keep me at arm’s length.  I don’t blame them for that — I’m an administrator sticking my nose into their business, into the parts of their lives they would prefer no one even notice.  But I need to remember to hear what lies beneath the surface.   Sue Patton Thoele says, “Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker.  When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening our spirits expand.”  I think we all want this, for ourselves and others!

If, as Paul Tillich says, the first duty of love is to listen, then I must try to do my duty. Listen closely enough to shut out the distractions and ambient noise so I can focus on what is important.  In other words, listen with my ears to what is being spoken, but hear with my heart what is being said.