Taking a one-week hiatus from weigh-in! Back to weekly weight posts next Thursday, April 15.

“It is totally new, wholly unexpected

and almost palpable aliveness

that wakes me on this Easter morning…”

These words, from a poem I wrote more than 20 years  ago (titled “Easter 1986”) could easily have been written this very morning.   I woke, before my 7:00 a.m. alarm, and lay in bed, wondering what I would write today about this journey we’ve been on together since Thanksgiving.  And as I contemplated, I was overcome with a feeling I couldn’t name at first, but have finally recognized:  joy.  

To say that this has been a life-altering experience would almost be an understatement!  Some things that have altered for me? 

• I feel, underneath the daily ups and downs, a constant sense of well-being.  As I have fought bronchitis and sinus and ear infections these past few weeks, for example, I have continued to feel emotionally centered and happy.
• Rather than feeling lonely much of the time, I feel connected to others even when I am alone.  I know my peeps have got my back!
• I find myself saying “Yes” more often than “No”.  Yes to new experiences, yes to new friends, yes to risks and challenges.

When you spend much of your life in hiding — under layers of fat, writing in journals that no one else ever reads, pretending that you are fine and happy so no one feels sorry for you — coming out of your hiding places is really scary.  I didn’t know that’s what I was doing when I started this challenge, though I got pretty nervous as soon as it was time to post my beginning weight. 

I also didn’t know, back in November, that what I was emerging into was a place of love, friendship, support.  You have walked with me every step of this journey, listening to my story and gifting me with yours.  There is literally no way to express the magnitude of the gratitude I feel.  Thank you.

I have been asked if I will continue to blog and/or post my weight now that this 18-week odyssey is over.  I will do both — with today’s weigh in I am 100 pounds lighter than I was four years ago.  The next 80-90 pounds will hopefully take less than 4 years!  I will be continuing on the journey to become the person I wish to be — I’m taking on a new 3-month challenge at my health club, and I still have Run The Flood to prepare for.  I do not expect that each of you will continue to read, though I invite you to share — in comments on this blog or via email (or in person!) your journeys and challenges so that the support and positive movement can be mutual.

I also pledge to continue to support hunger relief — and have set a goal for myself to complete at least 60 volunteer hours specifically for hunger relief between now and next Easter (I’ve suddenly become goal-oriented…never expected that outcome either!).  That’s about an hour a week (rounded up).  Not much, but more than I’ve committed to in the past. 

Our donation, currently at $1394 (at the per pound rate of $41), will include the difference between the $3 per pound and $300 minimum donation I said I would make — which puts us over the $1500 mark!  WOO-HOO! Thanks to those of you who either voted or donated your votes to me.  Our donation will be going to the local Meals on Wheels organization.  I would like all our donations to go together to Meals on Wheels, and will send specific instructions to sponsors via email.  There will definitely be a blog post with the final donation amount when that is made!

It is so fitting to be celebrating the close of this  journey on Easter — the day we celebrate resurrection into new life.  Thank you for helping me to launch a new life for myself and for contributing to those who would otherwise go hungry.  May this season of resurrection bring new life to each of you, as well.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
wich is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

— ee cummings

If spring hasn’t exactly sprung here in eastern Iowa, it is at least making its slow way here:  we’ve “sprung” forward into daylight savings time, most of the snow has melted, and daytime temperatures are routinely making it out of the 30s.  I am watching avidly for the crocuses to appear on neighboring lawns, a sure sign that spring is here to stay. 

I believe it was George Eliot who said, “It is never too late to become what you might have been.”  I take comfort in this thought because, friends, I am a late bloomer.  Like a shy spring, I sometimes move forward at what feels like a glacial pace.  But if it is truly “never too late”, then it must follow that another axiom is true as well — better late than never.

For example, with this blog I’ve learned that it is never too late to overcome shyness about others reading what I write.  After 30+ years of writing in secret (diaries and journals), it has been a revelation to learn that I enjoy the reactions and feedback of those who read my words — I even appreciate the occasional critique! 

Another example:  for a long time I have believed the notion that the energy we extend to the world around us is what comes back to us.  But, as with many things I have believed in my head, I had a difficult time feeling it in my heart.  Better late than never, I have learned that the first step to feeling this truth is opening myself up to the people around me; sharing my time, talents, and treasures.

The truth about being a late bloomer is that I could have blossomed before now, but was holding back.  Fear, irrational beliefs, all the stuff that keeps us from potentializing allows us to remain in stasis.  And convince ourselves that is where we want to be.  Late bloomers are immature — or at least I have been — in the sense that we’re not growing at a reasonable, healthy rate.

One of my favorite quotes from a novel comes from Tom Robbins’ “Even Cowgirls Get the Blues”.  It goes, “Growing up is a trap!  When they tell you to shut up, they mean stop talking.  When they tell you to grow up, they mean stop growing.”   So, to all my fellow late bloomers: flower already!  It is never too late to become the rose (or daisy, or lily) you were meant to be.  Keep growing, stop “growing up”!  And if, like me, this is the first time you’ve found the courage to do these things, I say “Definitely, better late than never!”

In the late 80s, U2 released “Joshua Tree”, including the single “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”.  The lyrics of that song have always spoken to me.  Like most powerful poetry, they mean something different to each listener.  To me, the song speaks about a longing I feel for spiritual connection and intimacy that is not fulfilled by simply knowing what I believe (“You broke the bonds, and you loosed the chains, carried the cross of my shame…you know I believe it…but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”).

In “You on a Diet”, I have finally reached the chapters on psychological and emotional factors associated with being overweight – after learning more than a person really wants to know about stomach fat.  There is a whole section titled “The Role of the Soul”.  Drs. Oz and Roizen say that soul-level satisfaction exists at a biochemical level as well as in our perceptible lives.  It is “your deeper drive…to fill the needs of your soul.”  They go on to say, “Many of us, instead of addressing – or even acknowledging – this deeper longing and the restlessness we feel for never quite fulfilling it, try to fill the emptiness with food and drink.”  We long for something deeper, and when we can’t find it, we eat.

Thinking in terms of spiritual hunger puts a whole new spin on the obesity epidemic here in the U.S.  And it makes sense to me — increasingly, we live in a culture that suggests we should find happiness living at the surface.  If we feel longing, that can be easily assuaged…buy a $350 Marc Jacobs purse, or order the buttered steak served on deep fried onion strings with a side of garlic mashed potatoes and a chocolate volcano cake for dessert.

On a personal level, maybe its true that I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.  But I may just be learning to stop covering that longing up with an overfull stomach.  The good doctors suggest a number of things we can do – other than eating – to satisfy our souls.  They include spending time in reflection and self-exploration, deep breathing, being touched (which releases neurochemicals that make us feel better).  The Docs recommend massages for that purpose.  I can finally stop feeling (a little) guilty about the self-indulgence of  my pedicures.  They come with leg and foot massages that feed my soul!

Last week I picked up the book “You on a Diet: The Owner’s Manual for Waist Management” by Michael Roizen MD and Mehmet Oz MD.  Only a few chapters into this massive book, I have learned some new things, especially about the biology of hunger.  They depict ghrelin, the hormone secreted in the stomach which signals that we’re hungry, as a little gremlin.  I have been making peace with this imp – it turns out, he just wants me to pay a little attention.  I am learning to distinguish his voice from the voice (originating in my emotional self) urging me to eat.

The other day, I had a conversation with a friend who recently caught up on reading this blog.  He said, “I’m just going to be blunt, I don’t always understand the way you think and, frankly sometimes its just stupid”.  I started laughing, because I couldn’t agree more — the way I’ve thought and acted has been not just stupid, but  irrational.  That, dear friends, is the point.  I surprise myself when I discover just how weirdly I’ve mixed signals in my life.

Which brings me back to ghrelin and his competitor, my emotional self.  Most of my life these two have been busy trying to out-shout each other, and as a result I’ve completely confused their voices.  As I’ve changed my diet to eat healthier foods in appropriate amounts, ghrelin and I are developing a natural alliance.  I am learning to manage my physical hunger. 

My emotional self, though, struggles to be healthier. There are 48 years worth of accumulated detritus to clean up and it is slow going.  I have to say, though, there are marked signs of improvement.  Whereas in the past my emotional self has craved comfort, security, and love — and sought these through food, I am discovering that my emotional hungers are changing, too.  Same categories, different contents:

Comfort:

• Rather than craving comfort food, I am hungry to feel comfortable in my own skin…and my own clothes. I want the exterior to be a closer approximation of the interior self.  In the not-too-distant future I will be able to shop in all, not just specialty, stores for clothing.  This will not seem like a big deal to people who have always had options, but believe me, if you’ve ever tried to put together a fashionable wardrobe when only one store in town carries your size, you’d know it is!
• I never expect to be comfortable in airline seats or amusement park rides.  But I am hungry to actually fit in the seats without the humiliation of asking for seatbelt extensions or being kicked off the ride because they can’t fasten the safety harness. (I’ve avoided this humbling experience by not going to amusement parks — but I have a secret love of roller coasters and I’ve missed them!)

Security:

• After a lifetime of playing it safe, I find myself hungry to take some risks.  No bungee cords or skydiving — but risk taking none-the-less.  Try new things (new music, new hobbies, snowshoeing), go new places (travel overseas, hike the Grand Canyon, eat at the Linn Street Cafe), push my own boundaries (Run the Flood, take a yoga class, speak truth to power).

Love:

• Open up to deeper friendships, even if it means feeling vulnerable, even if it means entering into other people’s messy lives towing my own messy-ness.  And seeing that as a gift rather than a burden or something to fear.
• Admitting the truth:  I have desires…let’s leave it at that for today!

It is 7:36 a.m. as I write this final paragraph for today’s blog post.  I took a 6:00 a.m. core exercise class, then completed my usual weight training regimen.  I feel great — but my friend, Ghrelin the Gremlin, is grumbling for me to pay attention to him. What I’m truly hungry for at this moment is breakfast.  I could murder a breakfast burrito!  But I’ll be happier with something a little healthier.  And that is some unusual thinking for me — very rational!