I have been thinking about all the babies planning to be born this spring, beginning with my great-niece Ada who joined us last week. So, I’m sharing a photo of myself as a happy baby, on the occasion of my baptism in 1961. Have a great Friday, everyone!
A week ago Sunday evening, I drove a college van to the small town of Vinton, Iowa. We were a subdued group on the drive out, befitting the nature of our trip: to attend a visitation for the father of two of our students. At our arrival, there was a line out the door of the church. When we were finally allowed inside by the local fire department, I was stunned to see several hundred people waiting to make their way , single file, past the open casket and through the line of close family accepting condolences. It took our little group two and a half hours to process through. Along the way, we learned a great deal about the man whose death had brought us there. His was a story of love, engagement with the community, commitment to the people and activities of his life. While maintaining strong relationships outside the home, he also supported and encouraged a truly loving family and helped raise some pretty wonderful human beings. Through the course of that day, literally thousands had come to pay tribute to his life.
On Tuesday of that same week, my sister underwent major surgery. When we spoke late on Monday, she was attempting to get one more workout under her belt before having weeks off her regular routine. What surprised me, throughout the process of determining the nature and extent of the surgical response to her cancer, was that every conversation included her words of gratitude for the blessings bestowed: that the cancer had been caught early; that she had competent and up-to-date doctors and surgeons in her small town; that she had trust in God and the unfailing gentle-kindness and support of her husband. After the surgery – more of the same, in a slightly more tired voice.
Adeline Bell Finnegan was born on Thursday, January 12 at 7:06 pm. She weighed in at 8 lbs 12 oz. and was 21″ long. My great-niece was welcomed into this world with much rejoicing – on the part of her parents (Ben and Elsa); by her aunt and uncle (Tim and Nikki) who arrived for her trip home from the hospital; by her Grandma Chris whose (almost) only verbalized complaint about her cancer recurrence was that she wouldn’t be there in person to welcome Ada. And by the rest of our “clan”, as my sister Annie posted on Facebook.
Sunday through Thursday – five days. But in those five short days, so much to learn, to process, and to celebrate. Three of the major human life events: death, illness, birth in such a short span of time. Those five days touched me profoundly, in ways I don’t have the grace to articulate. Luckily, the great poet Rumi said it for me, centuries ago. He tells us to welcome every experience which comes our way, even “if they’re a crowd of sorrows…treat them honorably” because each experience brings a gift as well. And so I am practicing being the proprietor of the guest house of my heart – throwing open the doors to all who seek admission, with gratitude and welcome even for the difficult guests.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
This. Is. Excruciating. And this morning my on-line tracker says that I’m below the recommended daily calories and bumped me up by 200 calories, along with the timeline to get to 199 – goal date February 9. Seriously?
This is one of my favorite photos from childhood – Chris, Jeff and I outside in the snow. We played outside constantly, and there was always plenty of snow in winter. It seems like a fitting post today for several reasons:
Good week, good memories.
Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself. -Lucille Ball
On Tuesday morning, I rolled out of bed with only one eye open. I tripped on several items strewn on the floor of my bedroom because I just hadn’t gotten motivated to pick them up over the weekend. I dressed for my TRX class at the gym and stumbled out to my car. As I backed out of the driveway, I noticed something unusual: my windshield, which faced east, was filled with the bright orange and pink tones that precede full sunrise, tinting the morning sky. In my rear window, dark night reigned – complete with a huge, brilliant white full moon. Straightening out my wheels and heading up the street, morning rode on my right hand, night on my left. I felt as if I were driving the dividing line between the two.
In some belief systems, this time of day, the “in-between” or “liminal” time is when sacred or magical things can happen. It is when the “veil between the worlds” is thinnest, and folklore abounds with stories of humans who accidentally wandered into fairyland at dawn (or dusk, also an in-between time). In psychological terms, “liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning ‘a threshold’) is a psychological, neurological, or metaphysically subjective state, conscious or unconscious, of being on the ‘threshold’ of or between two different existential planes” (thanks, Wikipedia).
This is how I have felt, these first weeks of 2012: as if I am on the threshold of something. I don’t know what it is, but all this forward momentum of the past few years has slowed way down. And, as often happens when on the threshold of something new, I am in a state of pause. Something will happen, of this I am sure. Perhaps it will be an internal change, perhaps a new external path will open up. But for just now, I need to breathe in The Pause.
The Pause can’t last forever, though. Stasis isn’t, ultimately, my goal. Which is why I chose the word “Move” as my one-word for 2012 after viewing this video last week. As I have been thinking about this word, I have realized that many advisors tell us not to move without a plan, to make your moves count. We plan our lives, we set goals, we live into the future. For me, that type of life-planning is paralyzing. If I am in that mode, I can’t choose which foot to put forward first, in fear of making the wrong choice. In that mode, I would look at morning on my right, and night on my left, and feel I had to choose one or the other. And that would be an impossible choice, so I would stay rooted to the spot I was already on.
Instead, I am looking at “Move” as an imperative to make joyful choices – to try new things, go new places, take new steps in my life. Not as part of a formal life plan, because that hasn’t worked for me. Instead, my informal plan is to Move. Just move. The next step may be a mis-step, but if the imperative is to move, then I can take another step. I want to welcome change within my life and in my heart – whether I move to the right or the left, I move into beauty. What a choice that is! Choose this or choose that – either way, BEAUTIFUL!
So, for a moment, I am pausing on the threshold. But liminal times don’t last forever – dawn always banishes night, night always overcomes day. That’s how it is supposed to work in the world, and in our lives as well. Pause, breathe, move!
Why is getting below 200 such an elusive goal? It isn’t as if I haven’t been working at it. It isn’t like I’ve strayed from a committed path. I have been working hard at this. Daily.
Perhaps a better question is, “Why is this such an important goal for me?” I mean, I already look and feel the best I ever have. I am healthy, and my physical stamina continues to improve such that I can take on harder challenges. Isn’t that enough? Why does this number have so much power?
The answer is a fairly simple one, while at the same time being deeply emotional. One-derland is such a play on words, as if getting there will mean I’ve arrived in a magical world. But I know the truth: it will be the same world on the day I get to One-derland that it is today. However, my weight will, for the first time in literally decades, be back in the ballpark of normal. Not where the standard charts say I should be for my height and age, but in the same century as normal. I was thrilled when I left the 300’s behind. But it has been a long, long journey to leave the 200’s behind. I just want to finally get there. I know the journey won’t be over, but most journeys have places where you stay for a short while just to celebrate having gotten there. My first step into One-derland will be such a place.
The car belonged to my friend and youth-group leader, Dave Finnegan. From the first night we met, at a Tuesday night Inter-Church Youth (ICY) meeting, I thought he was awesome. Gentle of spirit, kind, and incredibly smart. Not a bad volleyball player. Or too shabby with that guitar.
In the ensuing 35 or so years since we met, Dave has been an important influence on my life AND a member of my family – he and my sister Chris were married a couple of years after this photo. They raised two amazing sons, my nephews Ben and Tim, together. And they have weathered more than their share of serious illness – Dave faced several bouts of cancer, culminating in a Stage IV diagnosis and a grueling experimental treatment program at M.D. Anderson in Houston (he has been cancer free since then, approximately twenty years). My sister, Chris, will have surgery on Tuesday for her second round with breast cancer.
What I want to say about Dave in this Flashback is that I couldn’t have chosen anyone better for my sister’s life companion. You know how it is with in-laws: they marry into a family like ours (big, loud, opinionated) and can spend years figuring out how not to be chewed up and spit out. Dave maintains his calm, faithful and principled presence – occasionally making us groan at his terrible puns. In the coming weeks, he will be the gentle rock upon which my sister will lean – and by virtue of his presence where we can’t be, we will all lean on him to an extent (poor guy). After more than three decades, I can say with complete trust that he’s up to the task. I thank God, and my brother Dave, for that!
We all have them: things we are a bit red-faced to admit in public. I’m going to step right out into the spotlight here, and admit that I was a closet “Ally McBeal” fan. I saw the first episode when it aired, and loved it. But somehow, I just didn’t seem to have the time to watch it until it was in its last couple of seasons – luckily, the early seasons were in syndication by then, and often shown in marathons (making it easy for me to catch up in the days before Hulu or Netflix). In a particularly memorable episode, Ally visits a therapist, played by Tracey Ullman, who tells Ally that she needs a personal theme song. Ally’s first suggestion for her song is “Searching My Soul”, the actual theme song for the series (Ullman’s character rejects it as not upbeat enough).
I think this concept resonated with me because I’ve always had my own, albeit mostly secret, theme songs. In my childhood, certain songs just stuck with me and made me feel ready to face the world. Later, I started purposely selecting them. The first theme song I remember consciously choosing was after a break-up in the 80’s: “Goodbye To You” by Scandal. It was empowering.
Over the years, I’ve had a number of theme songs – some embarrassing to admit to now, others still on my list of great songs. U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” was my theme in 1988 and again in 2005 (it’s just that good)! In 2006, I stumbled upon a CD by singer-songwriter Ari Hest and his song, “A Fond Farewell” (lyrics here) became my new anthem.
In 2011 my mania for the perfect theme song took a very bizarre and Ally McBeal-ish turn when I picked the song, “Club Can’t Handle Me” by Flo Rida as my theme song for the year. If you don’t know it, please check it out:
If you know this song, or just watched the video, you should now attempt to picture me on stage at the Sip-N-Stir – or the dive bar of your choice – singing it, karaoke style, during my 50th birthday celebration. Takes your breath away, doesn’t it? Yes, I know you’ve lost your breath laughing and I’m ok with that.
You may be wondering what a song like this has to do with me? Why in the world would a 50-year-old middle class, midwestern woman who has never been clubbing pick such a song? First, it has the classic elements of a theme song: it makes you want to dance, gets your blood flowing. Second, it’s got a catchy refrain – so what if you can’t keep up with the rapped lyrics? You can definitely sing along with the chorus. Finally, and most importantly, it is audacious. Flo Rida oozes self-confidence…and so do I when I sing along with him. This is an incredibly important point for me – I need some audacity in my life.
On New Year’s Eve, I took a long afternoon bike ride. The temps were fine, but the wind was killer, causing me to work harder than I anticipated to pedal up the long hill to Ely. But on the ride back down, toward home, I experienced an endorphin rush. Luckily, I had my iPod on, and just when my speed topped 23 mph, I heard the familiar opening strains of “Club”. In what can only be described as a transcendent moment, I flew downhill, singing my theme song aloud to the wooded hills, the Cedar River, and a few stray exercisers sharing the nature trail with me. It was a fitting end to 2011, and a last hurrah for Flo Rida as my theme-song muse.
When it is time for a new theme song, you just know.
So, I am on the lookout. There are a few candidates rattling around in my head right now but I can’t say any of them feel exactly right for 2012. My criteria:
I think I’ll know it when I hear it, but I’m willing to consider suggestions. So if you think you’ve got the perfect song for me, don’t hesitate to share! What’s more, if you have a 2012 theme song of your own, I for one would like to hear about it!
Holidays. Argh.
Once again, with the busy-ness of the holidays, I forgot to post a Flashback Friday! However, as we look forward to celebrating the New Year, it seems fitting to post a photo (or two) from a previous celebration – 4th of July weekend, 2011. Happy 2012, everyone!
Jenion 